Today, as I sit before this desktop that I have, the urge to write this so that I can release my burdens and move on is no less than that when I have my bladder filled to the brink and walking for the past 10m without seeing a toilet.
And when I say move on, it's a literal meaning that I will take my leave away from you.
On that breezy night, with many people around us, I was enjoying the time with my favourite game. Our first encounter was rather ironic. We had an argument of the position of the rolling object in the game. You screamed loud enough for me when you thought you scored " IT TOUCHED THE LINE" for me to do the "S.I.N.G" i.e step, eyes, Nose, groin and I shook my head vigorously. Because you kicked that rolling thing twice past me, we lost the game.
*shakes head* I didn't want to talk you. Barbaric screaming- irritated me. However, I still apologised because I felt bad feeling that bad. God was checking my heart- to correct my stubborn streak.
When we had the second of rolling going, I saw you sitting outside the bathroom tying your shoelaces. We greeted and had a bit to exchange but I was more eager about the game than you. COME ON! it's the game of the world! I remembered losing the very first round because I had a bout of diarrhea before the game. We did not make it pass the first stage. Then your team came about to defeat that who beat us. THe next thing that happened blew my mind: You came by, tapped my knees and said, " I've revenged for you." The heart in mine just stopped a minute and and said, "Hey viv, that's a guy doing something for you." All I could mutter to him was, " Thank you!" and remained silent. A couple conversations exchanged for the final game and I was hoping you guys will beat Man Utd but sadly ..it has to be you for missed the penalty kick. I supposed you were quite upset? not really sure. don't know you well enough then to make the guess.
Till this day, I can still remember how you tapped my knees and said "That's for you." I've never had someone doing something like that for me without indicating but you did.
The historic film started rolling for us.
We text, which is why I gave you the nickname SMS, we chat, we laughed, we ate, we played, we studied, we slept, we rode in your car, we dreamed, we drank, we shared, we poked fun at each other, we saw the Dr, we cared. We did almost every daily thing together. The proximity we shared contributed- age, residential area, our interests, our love for the game, our love for our families, our travelling dreams, our appetite, our principles- to our getting closer daily. So close that without your text or call, It was...weird.
For 1 month, I was trying so hard not to be distracted with you and work and ministry. It was tough. It was struggling, and I realised I cannot share with you my feelings because I don't know if you could understand. Then I came to understand, that's probably the only and the most important thing that we didnt share. I didnt realise how things progressed or regressed till Xmas and you kept silent. From the "running incident" on Sunday after Xmas to the many replies that I looked forward to but not receiving them because they are not CLOSE ENDED..you seem to be telling me a message. You are trying to let me understand something you have on your mind so I can make the automatic exit without involving yourself to resolve it. That's when I realised..maybe you are just plain avoiding me.
Till yesterday, I asked myself why do I still text you when I do know you will not reply. It's not because I have a hope you will, it's not because I have an understanding of you that you will ( In fact, I know you will not). The number of times you lied about not receiving my texts as well as not checking your email and even about not coming to AH and keeping mum hoping that I will not find out..It saddens me. When you said you will call and look for me, how many times have you said that but fulfilled at least one. You just kept to your text and thereafter ignore my replies. Is that an obligation to you then? I always dream of a flooding at my bed when I dream of you. I ask myself why do people treat me like a styrofoam box. to be used instantly and dispose when you are done with your meals and someone else will clear up the mess. Sadly, God has to clear the mess you left behind and I am truly sorry for that. I wanted to believe you but after seeing you just on Monday coming to AH and not telling me...I just realised that probably we are on 2 different tracks.heading to two different directions..and are our paths convergent? *shrugs* I have to ask God that.
If I could say to him...please forgive me if I have made you mad. If I have never met your expectations, that's because I knew long enough that you were not even in my basic list. Im sorry if I've caused our r/s strained because of what I've done and this friendship may not very much last but I do hope that He will bring about the reconciliation. I just want to be there like you have been there for me so that you will not feel alone in this battle. Let me stand by you. Honestly, I don't even know if there's any that you will want to share with me. You will most probably have someone else better and more for you to hear you share and understand you. I don't know if that defines avoiding but I do know for 85% sure that you are. For what reason? Maybe I should leave you to do the explanation.
For the Lord says that hearts are deceitful, when you first came ask my number, it was not for being friends. It was for dating and courtship potentials. For the wrong foot you started on, or the wrong understanding we had of each other, we hit off too fast and furious that you have taken a back seat while I was left cluesless on buses to figure out what went wrong between the both of us for many ages.
Maybe after reading this, you will want to talk to you. Maybe after this, you felt you had enough of this weird girl being your friend and leave her away. Maybe maybe maybes, in the maybes there is always a possibility. I believe you gave your all in the friendship, probably I didnt which made you frustrated. Otherwise, I was like a harbour- for you to park, refill have some help and head off to your destination with someone else in mind.
Thank you for hearing and lasting such a long page. Like I said many times, before all disappears then panic, I will panic and wait patiently for all to disappear/ exit.
You've been my all..besides God. Thank you friend.
